Posts tagged Personal
Posts tagged Personal
- don’t expect it of us. like, this is a given, absolutely, but between partners with varying experiences and sex drives… this has been a constant struggle for me in relationships. every person i’ve been in a relationship with could never fully reconcile that sex and a relationship were not inherently tied. our relationship did not give them a pass to intimacy. my lack of desire for intimacy for stretches of time would, to them, signify a failed relationship. that impression on their part in turn made me feel like a failure. that fucks up relationships. that fucked me up. whether or not you are a survivor, sex should never be expected of you. ever. and someone who believes they deserve that from you under any circumstances is a piece of shit.
- on that note, don’t plan sex. partners of mine have often tried to be seductive in saying things like, “i can’t wait to do this to you later tonight…” but, to me, that simply meant that it became an obligation for me. that made sex an obligation. and, therefore, it made sex undesirable. i would feel this pressure to perform for them rather than to engage in sex for my own pleasure and it became this thing where i would attempt to start for them but i could never fully commit because i felt pressured. not to say this is what my partner was intending. at all. but it affected me negatively.
- don’t make our kinks about our sexual trauma. yeah, me, personally? i really like being choked. a lot. but don’t ruin the pleasure of that by tying it into my trauma. is it your place to figure out the source of my kinks or is it your role as my partner to realize pleasure with me? we both know the answer to that. don’t “figure out” how your partner has been affected by their sexual trauma. what does your curiosity have to gain except for the make your partner feel dissected? partners have done that to me, and all it did was make me feel like personality was compartmentalized into pre- and post-rape.
- validate us outside of our sex life. i have long felt that my worth is perceived by others as purely sexual, and this was horribly exacerbated by my assault. while i love feeling desired by my partners, if that is heavily emphasized over the other aspects of our relationship, i will withdraw. i will resent them for seeing my purely in that light, and i will often be triggered. even when having casual sex, or sex in any capacity without a committed relationship, respect is key. making me feel like a whole, full human rather than only your sex partner is vital to my comfort and feeling of safety.
- use a safe word. it can be as simple as “wait.” it doesn’t matter what the word is. its function is purely to remind us that we hold power over our sexual interactions and it will always stop if we want or need it to. when i begin the spiral and feel like sex is becoming less mine and purely yours, having a word to center us and bring us back together and to affirm my own control makes a world of difference.
*i have received asks about this in the past, and felt it made sense to share a general post to address some issues i have answered asks on. this does not mean that my issues are the issues of all survivors, or that non-survivors can’t share these issues with me. these are things that i have experienced and i have come to this understanding of them.
going to my first ever bridal shower this morning!
also, queue’d a bunch of photos of me when i was drunk last night … think i’ll just leave them and the absurd captions. #selfacceptance #lololulol
i love that smile.
as if i didn’t already feel shitty enough about my genetically-inherited overly-self-moisturizing acne-prone skin. thanks clean & clear!
My friend’s little sister makes amazing wallets out of duct tape! She made me an awesome Nerdfighter wallet! I’m going to use this every day of my life.
I MISSED YA
girl, look at those shoulders!
wow, was that awesome. i got to eat dinner with him and two other students…so cool to be able to look back years from now and say hey, when i was a freshman in college, i met eric drooker. he worked with ginsberg to create these images, in fact, they worked together on more than one occasion. he’s been published as the cover artist for the new yorker magazine countless times…created street posters for the occupy movement and the occupation of the capital in Madison. he’s been to palestine, where he painted murals on the apartheid wall with palestinian children. what a cool dude.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve been accused of never being a true Christian, because someone believed if I really was my faith would not have been shaken, and I would not have become an atheist. A post I made earlier explaining that the earthquake in Japan last year was what started the last leg of my time in Christianity, caused someone to bring out the old “No True Scotsman” argument.
Last March after wavering for so long, something that as a decisive person I’m not prone to do, I reached out to my Pastor. His last reply to me below basically ended it for me, yet I still went to church one last time on Easter Sunday hoping that I’d feel something; anything. My faith was so integral to who I was as a person that I was terrified of letting go; even when knew I needed to.
Those who ignorantly declare that people of faith who walk away were never really religious seriously anger me. This is what my last correspondence with him looked like. God had “told” him that I needed tough love. I’m glad because it forced me to realize just how indoctrinated I truly was. I was fearful that I would not find happiness without the fellowship of the church, yet I’ve been more free to be myself now than I ever was. He accused me of having a wall around me that no one could get through. The reality was I had been biting my tongue and measuring my answers so much in the end to avoid start a fight at church. I had to excuse myself from too many conversations with people I 100% did not agree with. It was a really oppressive way for me to live. You’re promised freedom in Christ, but that freedom is only allowed if you agree with the masses.
I’m curious to know if his answer to me would have swayed any of you if you were wavering? I found that it only served to piss me off. There was no middle ground; I would either worship the true God, or an idol I made a god. Instead of answering my questions, he accused me of being “foolish” and “prideful” for asking seeking answers. Would you have been convinced to stay in the church?
On Sun, Mar 20, 2011 at 10:53 PM, K G wrote:
I read this today:
Either God can do nothing to stop catastrophes like this, or he doesn’t care to, or he doesn’t exist. God is either impotent, evil, or imaginary. Take your pick, and choose wisely. The only sense to make of tragedies like this is that terrible things can happen to perfectly innocent people. This understanding inspires compassion. Religious faith, on the other hand, erodes compassion. Thoughts like, “this might be all part of God’s plan,” or “there are no accidents in life,” or “everyone on some level gets what he or she deserves” – these ideas are not only stupid, they are extraordinarily callous. They are nothing more than a childish refusal to connect with the suffering of other human beings. It is time to grow up and let our hearts break at moments like this.
I found myself identifying with the author, especially when I had just finished writing a list of my own questions and doubts in my journal. Ken I’m slipping away here. Some days I feel solid, but lately I’ve found myself questioning everything, even more so than I’m known to do.
Here are just a few of my questions from today
- Why do I really believe in God?
- How do I reconcile my beliefs and my doubts?
- Can I really call myself a Christian if I don’t absolutely 100% believe in biblical inerrancy?
- Why have I not really changed much as a person since becoming a Christian?
- Why do I often feel like the outsider amongst a group of other Christians because I just cannot bring myself to agree with them on certain issues?
- I truly believe I’m 100% in, but am I still riding the fence between atheist and Christian? I find that the more my heart breaks for someone suffering, the harder it is for me to see or seek God.
These are a mere drop in the oceans of questions I have rolling around my head, and so far God has been silent, or I’m not tuned in. I hate that I still have these doubts. I hate that I still have so many questions. I hate that I’m unable to solve or fix this on my own. I’ve found great comfort in the Psalms because they help me realize that David was pretty much full of questions too. However what I often lack is the ability to turn it back to praise. I love Psalm 13:
1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
I’m really good at verses 1-4, pleading, begging, and praying for some answers. Unfortunately, I often walk away so frustrated that it takes a few days for me to be able to get to verses 5 and 6. I could make peace with acts of nature, fault lines shifting, earthquakes triggering tsunamis. Absolutely devastating, but if there was no God involved I could focus on grieving with the poor victims, doing what I could to help them. With God in the picture, I find that I’m angry at Him. I can’t understand His actions, and really don’t want to have anything to do with Him during these times. Shouldn’t the appropriate reaction be to want to draw nearer to Him? I apologize if this is rambling or disjointed, it’s hard to think, cry, and type at the same time so I’ll stop here.
I love you,
Good mooring K. Thank you for sharing so honestly and sincerely about your doubts and beliefs. Let me assure you first that the Lord is not upset with you, or turning his back on you and disowning you, or anything of that sort. He loves you. He’s more than used to these thoughts you’re having - and he’s more than used to the article you read that is trying to make sense of a tragedy through anger directed towards God. If that person really doesn’t believe God exists than there is no object to direct his anger towards. See the dual-mindedness? That same person, should they have been in Japan when the quake hit, would have been calling out to God at the top of his lungs. We all know God exists inside - we just try to bury it because circumstances in this world can be incredibly difficult and we want to think we are able to understand all of it. Let’s get a clue here - we don’t even understand completely how our little toe works. We know less about the bottom of the ocean than we do about space. To think that we can understand completely about a natural disaster, much less try to make sense of and let it fit with our world-view and philosophy about how things should be, is foolish and prideful.
A few things for you:
- If you want to live the rest of your life believing we are nothing but dust when we die, that our soul is extinguished, that there is no intelligent creator, that all of the complexity and intricacies of life including love, hate, sex, childbirth, emotions, etc. are simply the end result of some series of survival of the fittest and that all of this world will mean absolutely nothing one day when our sun dies and life ceases on earth - then no one is stopping you, go ahead.
- If you are intelligent enough to reconcile every doubt with every belief and believe that in order for you to fully put your trust in God, that must be done - then you are smarter than every person that has ever lived.
- If agreement on every doctrinal, philosophical, and theological issue is your test of fellowship with other believers - you will live a very lonely life - or a life without meaningful christian fellowship.
- If you are prideful enough to think that your hearts breaks, try being the Father of all mankind. God, and Him alone, is the one who sees every atrocity committed by men and because He gave us a free will for the sake of true love, has to stand by and watch as we kill each other, wound each other, hate each other and curse each other. All while He knows that turning to Him in faith would bring peace to the tormented souls he loves and created to be one with Him.
- If you don’t believe in God, you can’t believe in the devil. If you don’t believe in ultimate good, you don’t believe in ultimate evil. If you don’t believe that there are evil forces at work in men’s souls - try watching the nightly news. Then if you can deny the abhorrence of the evil things done by men to each other, and children, and blame it on them just being misunderstood or deranged people and that gives you peace of mind - be my guest.
- If you want to put an end to your doubts, you must humble yourself, come to the realization that you will NEVER understand it all (which requires letting go of HAVING to understand in order for you to trust), believe that God is big enough to speak to us by His Spirit - through His Word - even though the many translations and time scriptures have endured mistakes may have been made - that God’s spiritual truth from His Word, The Holy Bible - IS inerrant.
Then K, you need to receive His overflowing love for you - through others. There is a wall you put up that no one can really get through. When you let the wall down between you and God, by letting your insistence of understanding it all die, only then will you be able to let the love flow between you and other. First vertical, then horizontal.
Read the book of Job, K. And pay special attention to chapters 38-42. It is human to think we have the ability and mental prowess to understand this universe. It’s when things like an earthquake happen that we realize we have zero control over this planet or how to prevent something like that. What do the people suffering in Japan need right now? People trying to comfort the suffering that are full of anger towards God and His people, full of pride that they are more compassionate than God and really understand human suffering more than Jesus himself? Or believers that can comfort the people with God’s love, pray for them, offer the gospel of Christ to them, cry with them, and assure them that there is indeed and afterlife and they can know true peace and receive everlasting life by putting their trust in the One who created them.
I care about you K - and so do many, many others. I love you in Christ. God loves you. But make your choice and live the rest of your life. You will believe in something. It’s either God or other gods. Whatever you put first, that you worship as god. If you live with God as your source of life, you will have peace, stability, purpose and true love with your future spouse and other friends and family. If you choose to live without God your life will be a continual roller coaster controlled by feelings, emotions and circumstances in the absence of absolute truth, leaning on your own understanding of the universe. There will be good times - know that - but in the end, when you face the certainty of death, you will face God and what will you say?
All I can say is make your choice. Quit riding the fence. Live your convictions. I hope this letter didn’t sound harsh or uncaring - As I wrote it I felt like the Lord was just telling me to share the stark truth with you. Love you…
Obviously, having never really believed, I might perceive this differently. All I can say is that, like most posts or letters, I glanced over his words to see if there was any content that interested me. No. I read his response carefully. Was there any words that made me think? No. Were there any questions that couldn’t better be answered by assuming that a god does not exist? No. Did it use manipulative techniques to try to falsely persuade one of the emptiness of atheism? Yes.
It reads exactly like any other religious tract I ever read.
It was a response, full of empty rhetoric, unsupportable assumptions, and special pleading. And, to quoth Shakespeare, signifying nothing.
pajama’d gal, tackling Scientific American articles and drinking cinnamon orange tea
so pretty. also, cleavage :)
whatcha guys think?